A few years ago, I did a video called Jason FN Saint Vs. Birds. This was the result. However, I think one of them stuck around and waited for its day to call upon vengeance. Today was that day. I don’t know what this bird is thinking trying to act like it’s a falcon or some shit when all it is, is a bitch ass bluebird.
Yesterday afternoon, I’m taking out a bag of garbage when I hear this
distinctive tweeting come from behind me. It’s this jackass bluebird
that has decided to build its nest on the meter on the side of my
luxurious estate. For the most part, I’m a pretty nature-friendly guy,
so I allowed it to stay. I figured this would make things pretty rad
between me and the local bird community and that I would make a new
friend that I could watch flourish as a mother.
Well, little miss badass decided to prove to me that my ass figured
wrong. I was taking out the garbage, minding my own business (and
business is damn good) when I hear the take off of this bird. Typical,
as it usually flies off when I walk past for some crazy fear that I’m
some kind of bird-hating, trigger friendly Nazi, just waiting for the
right eggshell to crack so that I could unleash a bullet hose of fury
against any nest dweller in sight.
Only this time, it didn’t hang out on the branch of one of the many
oak trees surrounding my house or perch on the powerline (which is
ultimately stupid on her part, because she’s raising kids and acting
like a daredevil, perching on a cable full of electricity). She had a
quick rest on the powerline, then as I’m removing the lid of the garbage
can, she flies down at me with her talons bared, reminiscent of the
phoenix’ of old, and frankly scares the shit out of me. For a split
second, I realized what a badass I truly am. I’ve picked up guys twice
my size and thrown them into brick walls, but a 17 ounce bird of fury
approaches with hell in its eyes and I retreat like a newborn chihuahua.
When I turned and threw my arm out in a typical valley girl fashion,
Momma Badass Bird backed off back up to her electricity cable of doom
and watched as I attempted to drop the bag into the can. Sure enough,
vengeance reared its ugly head as she came flying back at me. This time,
I became a vigilante, fighting crimes against the winged, and slung the
garbage bag as hard as I could in an attempt to either seriously wound
or mentally scar this bird of prey.
Instead of connecting with my opponent or striking fear into its tiny
little heart, the tie of the garbage bag that I had picked up snapped,
slinging garbage about 5 feet across the yard. Oh man, if the boys in
the service could see me now. Very rarely am I embarrassed, as I
generally have no issue with making people laugh, but as I stood there
holding a garbage bag string looking up at this fist-sized dickhead with
wings as it continued chirping. I’m sure it was just trying to warn me
with menacing tweets to keep away from its kids, but all I kept
imagining was that it was saying things like “Yeah, faggot. Now pick up
all that garbage. Stupid ass, big man with a beard, acting like you’re
hard. Sling another garbage bag, garbage boy. That’s your new name. Garbage boy. My kids are gonna grow up knowing not to fuck with you. You
might sling a discarded piece of junk mail at ‘em. Maybe an empty-ass
bag of chips. Ya pussy bitch.”
I’ve never been so humiliated in all my life. That fucking bitch
wouldn’t shut up either. I started picking up garbage, replacing it into
the cans, and sure enough this twat came flying at me again. This time,
I turned and extended my arms in a “get some” pattern, stomped toward
the bird, and roared like the Incredible Hulk. This bitch backed off.
Who’s the man now? Just so she knew who the boss was, I balled up a
piece of aluminum foil and chucked it in her general direction. Just so
we’re clear, I have impeccable aim. I didn’t hit the bird, though I
easily could have, but I scared it about 3 more feet away from me. Yeah,
I sure showed her. Stupid bird. I walked away from those garbage cans
with my head held high, knowing I had overcome nature’s fury.
I think there’s something wrong with me.
- xJFSx
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The mysterious disappearance of my "Baller Status".
In 2007, I dated a girl who fucking hated me. There was literally no reason for us to be dating. This a story about the only aspect of my life that she successfully ruined.
I had this really rad, comfortable, thin 50% cotton t-shirt that was light gray and simply said "Baller Status" in retro red letters across the chest. I got it from a girl I spent the night with early on that year because her stupid, fucking gross cat pissed all over it while I was............ while we were playing video games. Shirtless. It was a fun night. We played like, 10,000 games. PacMan. Solitaire. Two person solitaire.
Anyway.
So this girl gave me some shirt that some other dude had left over there and I kept it because, frankly, the shirt was fucking awesome! It was comfortable, it was a cool color, and I thought the phrase was hilarious for a jacked and pale guy with a big black mohawk to be wearing on a 50% cotton t-shirt. I wore that damn shirt all the time, which makes no sense that I have no pictures of me in it. The girl I was dating didn't like the shirt to begin with, because the phrase was "so stupid" for me to wear, let alone say. I asked why she thought such things, and her incredibly racist response was "You're white." Did I mention there was no reason for us to be dating?
Once she found out the means that I had achieved this incredibly stylish t-shirt, she immediately hated it one billion times more than any person should ever dislike a community of threads with a neat screen-printed phrase decorating it. So much so, that one day, my favorite, most-comfortable t-shirt magically came up missing and stupid ex number 458 wouldn't look me in the eye when I asked if she'd seen it. She was clearly the culprit in this crime, I just couldn't afford a detective because I was supporting her spongey eating habits.
Incidentally, my beautiful "Baller Status" shirt was put to rest, and the location of the damn thing remains a mystery to this day. I keep thinking, by some magical means, that my former shirt will re-appear like, behind my bed or buried in an old shoe box with old fabrics that I use to make custom hoodies and stuff out of because I'm a big burly man who knows how to sew, but such an incident has not occurred and it's been almost 5 years. I've come to grips with the fact that the two of us are now parted, and can only hope and pray that it's out there somewhere, making someone else so very happy and comfortable as it made me.
The only revenge I was able to get on this stupid piece of shit in the toilet bowl of my previous relationships is that I was able to incorporate the phrase "baller status" into everyday situations about 60 times a day. Some examples include...
It doesn't matter, we broke up like I did with every stupid ex I've ever had in one of the single worst ways possible and I moved on to sexier, more-Australian things. Still, it pisses me off that she holds a victory over me in the department of urban menswear. Fucking bitch is probably out there right now, smiling, eyebrows arched and a shrill echo-enducing cackle permeating across the sky from her blood-soaked lungs as she recalls the day she put my happiness to rest by the strangulation of one 50% cotton concrete colored t-shirt as she heartlessly diminished my wardrobe.
Oh well. She has a kid now. She can be miserable for the next 18 years.
Sucker.
- JFS
I had this really rad, comfortable, thin 50% cotton t-shirt that was light gray and simply said "Baller Status" in retro red letters across the chest. I got it from a girl I spent the night with early on that year because her stupid, fucking gross cat pissed all over it while I was............ while we were playing video games. Shirtless. It was a fun night. We played like, 10,000 games. PacMan. Solitaire. Two person solitaire.
Anyway.
So this girl gave me some shirt that some other dude had left over there and I kept it because, frankly, the shirt was fucking awesome! It was comfortable, it was a cool color, and I thought the phrase was hilarious for a jacked and pale guy with a big black mohawk to be wearing on a 50% cotton t-shirt. I wore that damn shirt all the time, which makes no sense that I have no pictures of me in it. The girl I was dating didn't like the shirt to begin with, because the phrase was "so stupid" for me to wear, let alone say. I asked why she thought such things, and her incredibly racist response was "You're white." Did I mention there was no reason for us to be dating?
Once she found out the means that I had achieved this incredibly stylish t-shirt, she immediately hated it one billion times more than any person should ever dislike a community of threads with a neat screen-printed phrase decorating it. So much so, that one day, my favorite, most-comfortable t-shirt magically came up missing and stupid ex number 458 wouldn't look me in the eye when I asked if she'd seen it. She was clearly the culprit in this crime, I just couldn't afford a detective because I was supporting her spongey eating habits.
Incidentally, my beautiful "Baller Status" shirt was put to rest, and the location of the damn thing remains a mystery to this day. I keep thinking, by some magical means, that my former shirt will re-appear like, behind my bed or buried in an old shoe box with old fabrics that I use to make custom hoodies and stuff out of because I'm a big burly man who knows how to sew, but such an incident has not occurred and it's been almost 5 years. I've come to grips with the fact that the two of us are now parted, and can only hope and pray that it's out there somewhere, making someone else so very happy and comfortable as it made me.
The only revenge I was able to get on this stupid piece of shit in the toilet bowl of my previous relationships is that I was able to incorporate the phrase "baller status" into everyday situations about 60 times a day. Some examples include...
- "Dude, the Hot Pockets box says 3:00 for two, but I totally just nuked 'em both on high for 2:45 and they tasted fine. Baller status!"
- "The mail usually comes around 4:00 but it's here already and it's only noon!? Baller status!"
- "I ordered a number 2 and these jackasses gave me two orders of fries with my burger! Hahaaaaa, BALLER STATUS!"
- "It's only midnight!? I thought it was like 3 AM! Baller status!"
It doesn't matter, we broke up like I did with every stupid ex I've ever had in one of the single worst ways possible and I moved on to sexier, more-Australian things. Still, it pisses me off that she holds a victory over me in the department of urban menswear. Fucking bitch is probably out there right now, smiling, eyebrows arched and a shrill echo-enducing cackle permeating across the sky from her blood-soaked lungs as she recalls the day she put my happiness to rest by the strangulation of one 50% cotton concrete colored t-shirt as she heartlessly diminished my wardrobe.
Oh well. She has a kid now. She can be miserable for the next 18 years.
Sucker.
- JFS
Friday, April 13, 2012
Tonight was weird.
Typically, my life is extremely interesting with the ridiculously random things that happen, but very rarely am I left just... completely speechless. I mean, RARELY. Tonight, however, was an exception.
It started out at Taco Bell. Most of my evenings start out at Taco Bell. Patrick and I went in to grab some eats before my comedy show at the Comedy Caravan, which was a nacho bell grande, a soft taco, a volcano taco, and a large Baja Blast for me. A little group of Doss High School douchebags were harassing the cute punk girl behind the counter about how they "deserved 5 tacos" for winning some stupid "drop your change in this plastic tube" game, which was starting to piss me off. They kept loudly proclaiming how bad their food was and harassed the girl on her way out the door. It was honestly very difficult for me to not grab one of them and throw him through a wall.
After eating, we went to leave and of course, in the parking lot, we were stopped by some random guy who was frantically pacing, both of his hands coated in blood. He asked if he could use my phone, so I lied and told him that it had just died. He asked to use Patrick's, who obliged. The next few minutes were him talking to his girlfriend and attempting to talk her into coming back to Taco Bell, where he apparently had freaked her out by trying to get into the car when the door was jammed. When he tried to open it, she sped off because he somehow scared her, hence his hands bleeding.
He then went on to tell us that she would be going to Glasgow tomorrow, and that he'd never see his daughter again. He kept saying he just wanted to say goodbye to his baby. He apparently talked her into coming to pick him up, so he gave Patrick his phone and thanked us for our help. He ended the conversation by saying "They all told me, man, 'don't marry a stripper'!" What the fuck, guy.
My set at the Caravan went great. I honestly feel more comfortable onstage lately than I ever have. I pretty much just talk to the audience like they're old friends of mine. The crowd was dead for almost everybody, but when I went up, you'd have thought someone lit off a stack of fireworks. It was awesome. I left the stage feeling fully satisfied with my performance.
Once we left the Caravan, we trekked on to Cafe 360, which is the typical post-Caravan routine. It was me, Patrick, Shane, Nusser, Shane's female friend, Rick, Jessica, and Adam. For those who don't know much about me, I have a very foul mouth, as do about 90% of my friends. Our conversation consisted of rape jokes, incest jokes, chauvinism (despite the females in attendance, who were laughing). It was a pretty basic disgusting conversation you really don't want to overhear while out to eat with friends. That's us. We're THAT table.
The thing about Cafe 360 is, it's usually people like us. For some reason, tonight, we were all on. Every one of us was being obnoxious, but it was ridiculously funny from start to finish. The night was going well, I'd just about finished my Cherry Coke and said goodbye to 360 for the night, when this lovely redhead from the table next to us approached me.
She put her hand on my shoulder, introduced herself as Alexis, and asked my name. I told her my first and last name (because I'm fuckin' famous) and she went on to tell me that she saw something great about me. She didn't know what it was, but it was something that would be happening in my life soon that would be like a bomb. Like things are where they are now, but they're about to explode in a wonderful way. She knows this... because she was directed to me from Jesus himself.
She asked if she could pray for me. I told her to go for it, you know? What would it hurt. She began to pray for me, that I would be able to handle this extremely huge happening, and that she could sense an open-ness about me, that she thought was amazing. She asked that I be able to handle whatever life threw at me, and that I would enjoy the rest of my life. She then shook my hand and sat back at her table.
For the first time in my life, I was legitimately speechless. I pretty much just sat there, completely lost and confused, wondering why in the hell this random, crazy thing just happened to me and why she saw such a vision in me. I then took a picture with her, and the guys razzed me around outside 360 about it.
Legitimately, one of the only times in my entire life I haven't had the words to explain how I was feeling or what was going through my head. Flattered, overwhelmed, shocked, amused, bewildered, all come to mind at once. If I didn't have a group of friends right there with me to confirm such an incident, I sincerely doubt anyone would ever believe me if I'd told them.
My life is fucking weird.
You can actually see the confusion in my face.
- JFS
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Toothless In Trimble
The Summer of 2008 has been chronicled on this blog before. It was an epic Summer, and one I regularly refer to as the last Summer of my youth. One this particular June night, a love story began to unfold. But, unlike Sleepless In Seattle, this one was a bit different. I call it...
I was hanging out with my good friend Patrick and we were doing a large amount of nothing. Most of our nights were spent either trying to get laid, playing Guitar Hero, eating Little Caesar's, browsing Louisville Mojo (yeeeeesh), or some disturbingly lonely version of all of the above. On this particular night, my phone rang, and it was a girl who I'll refer to as Laney. This isn't her real name, but she plays an integral part in this story.
Patrick and I had met Laney months prior to this incident. The three of us along with another friend of ours had broken down on the side of the highway on the way home from a Blitzkid concert. Laney and I kept in touch, which led to me meeting her sister, who I'll call Vanessa. This is partly due to the fact that I don't remember her actual name, but she looks like she could pass for a Vanessa. The main difference between Laney and Vanessa is, while Laney had a great personality, Vanessa was fucking gorgeous. She didn't have the strongest personality, but she was hot and that's pretty much the only initiative I needed to keep in touch with her.
Laney called me to ask what I was up to. I told her I was hanging out with Patrick and that we were literally up to nothing important. Laney informed me that she was hanging out with her sister and her friend, whose name I didn't catch. We'll call her Tiffany, only because her lack of personality and common sense fits the name. I could see her having one of those nets hanging in the top corner of her room full of stuffed animals and an Eminem poster she's had since 2003.
I asked Laney why she was calling to inform me of such tomfoolery, to which she said she would like for me and Patrick to join the party. She also informed me that her friend found Patrick attractive. I looked to Patrick and said "Hey dude, Laney's on the phone. She wants us to come over." He said "Laney who?" I replied "Trimble County." He made a face at me, so I said "Her friend thinks you're hot." Patrick's facial expression changed. "Is SHE hot?," he asked. I asked Laney and she assured me that was the case, so I nodded to Patrick. He dropped the red plastic guitar and picked up his keys. That was our cue. The shit was on.
This is about 50 miles too fast toward our death.
We are not friends. But this is cute.
Things went well in the bedroom for Vanessa and I. She kept giggling at what she was doing, not because she wasn't used to having sex, but because she was cheating on her boyfriend. I always laugh when I think about how she was like "I hope he doesn't find out!". I'm like "bitch, he won't, not unless your dumb ass tells him." Vanessa was good in every aspect in the bedroom, while still managing to keep as quiet as possible so not to give away our current activity. Of course, this didn't work the entire time, but for the first time in his life, Patrick was being a very good wingman, keeping Tiffany and Laney occupied while I banged out Laney's more attractive sister.
Outside the door, I could hear footsteps against the hardwood floor. Vanessa tried to keep even more quiet, thinking it was her sister. I, being the disgustingly vile asshole that I am, started giving her the hardest balls-deep thrusts I could, causing her to cover her mouth with her hand and wail in response. I was giggling but also enjoying myself. I can't even begin to imagine how it must have looked and sounded. I heard Tiffany's stupid mindless voice outside the door, slightly muffled. Among the random vowels and syllables, I could make out Tiffany's voice saying "I'll suck your dick." As soon as those words left her mouth, I stopped moving and Vanessa looked at me, both of us clearly having heard what was just said. As soon as those words were uttered, I could hear Patrick's muffled voice, right outside the door, yell "HEYULL NO! HEEEELLL NO!" Followed immediately by frantic footsteps and Lanie's door slamming. This caused Vanessa and I to laugh, only now we were both trying to cover our mouths. Meanwhile, I'm still inside her. It was awkward.
20 minutes passed before Vanessa and I were done doing the damn thing. I left her bedroom while she was still pulling her underwear up, with the most sleazy look on my face that I could muster. The door slammed behind me as I stepped into the living room, attempting to dodge cats with every step. I crossed the couch barrier to see Patrick, sitting on the bigger couch, staring blankly at the wall. For some fucking reason, The Secret Of N.I.M.H. was on, yet Patrick was staring directly at the blinds. I don't know what had him so upset, but he refused to look at me. Whoops! I plopped down on the loveseat, leaning back and letting out a manly sigh and smirking over at Patrick. Looking back, I don't which is worse. The fact that The Secret Of N.I.M.H. was on, or the fact that I know that it was The Secret Of N.I.M.H. Actually, now that I think about it, it's pretty baller that I knew that it was The Secret Of N.I.M.H. and that I had just gotten laid. The irony fairy is quaking in her high heels.
After Vanessa's door slammed, Tiffany walked into the kitchen to get some pizza. Patrick glanced back to see her, looked to me and said "Can we go now? Please?" Vanessa stepped into the room, now fully-clothed, and sat next to me, leaning against me and taking a deep breath. She looked at me and said "Stay with me until I get tired?" I looked to Patrick and said "Give me a minute." He resumed his position, arms folded, staring at the blinds. Tiffany walked back into the room with two slices of now-cold pizza. I know this sounds mean and trust me, it is, but I was completely enthralled with how on Earth this fucking girl was going to ingest pizza considering her teeth looked like a Goddamn chainsaw.
Miraculously enough, she managed. We watched about 14 seconds of the movie before Vanessa and I started kissing again. I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that The Secret Of N.I.M.H. had a sexual reaction on Vanessa and myself. I heard Tiffany's plate hit the table, then heard her shift across the couch toward Patrick. This made me smirk a little mid-kiss with Vanessa, 'cause I know he was fucking miserable. I glanced over when Vanessa kissed my neck, to see Tiffany pretty much hanging on Patrick, meanwhile Patrick has the most bemused look on his face that I have ever seen. It was harder not to laugh in that moment then it ever has been in my entire life. It got even worse when she turned her head toward his and he simply widened his eyes and looked away. Classic.
Things were good for Jason Saint. I had a hot girl hanging on me, kissing me, I just got laid, and once she got tired and went to bed, I planned on eating every bit of her pizza and possibly kidnapping one of her kittens to give to my niece. This, sadly, got shot to hell. I heard the door creak from down the hall. That sound usually garners a pretty faint reaction, but instead of it being a terrifying ghost or some kind of hockey masked killer, it was the violent rage of an overlooked, undersexed, overweight, unattractive sister who simply stopped in the doorway. I turned slowly to see her standing there, then went back to kissing Vanessa. I don't believe Patrick or Tiffany budged, but I could be wrong. I didn't look at them. Tiffany's deforestation-like teeth would have killed my mood. I tried to find a way to use the phrase "stump forest" in there but that's the best I came up with. Now I've officially used the phrase "stump forest", and it's about her teeth. You're welcome.
The she-beast stomped away (or maybe walked, it'd probably sound the same) and slammed her door. I heard Patrick let out a little giggle, followed by the loud booming voice of the kracken herself.
With that, Tiffany and Vanessa lept to their feet, dashing down the hallway to reply to her desperately obvious cry for attention. I glanced over to Patrick, wiping spit from my lips, to see him glaring at me. He pointed at my shoes, then to the door. I nodded, yanked my shoes on, stole as much pizza as I could grab with two hands, and we were out the door. I think I even accidentally knocked a cat over on the way. I dunno. Probably.
It was 5:46 AM when we left, so the sun was out and I was laughing hysterically. Patrick kept raving about how stupid the whole situation was, to which I just responded "I don't care. I got laid." He wasn't as satisfied with the situation as I was. As the drive continued, I got the following texts:
Vanessa: Hey man, sorry I couldn't say goodbye. I had a REAL nice time. Let's do it again! ;)
(10 minutes later) Tiffany: Hey it was good meeting you! Ur friend is cute but he's a ASSHOE.
Laney: FUCK YOU!
Needless to say, we haven't been back to Trimble County.
- JFS
Toothless In Trimble
I was hanging out with my good friend Patrick and we were doing a large amount of nothing. Most of our nights were spent either trying to get laid, playing Guitar Hero, eating Little Caesar's, browsing Louisville Mojo (yeeeeesh), or some disturbingly lonely version of all of the above. On this particular night, my phone rang, and it was a girl who I'll refer to as Laney. This isn't her real name, but she plays an integral part in this story.
Patrick and I had met Laney months prior to this incident. The three of us along with another friend of ours had broken down on the side of the highway on the way home from a Blitzkid concert. Laney and I kept in touch, which led to me meeting her sister, who I'll call Vanessa. This is partly due to the fact that I don't remember her actual name, but she looks like she could pass for a Vanessa. The main difference between Laney and Vanessa is, while Laney had a great personality, Vanessa was fucking gorgeous. She didn't have the strongest personality, but she was hot and that's pretty much the only initiative I needed to keep in touch with her.
Laney called me to ask what I was up to. I told her I was hanging out with Patrick and that we were literally up to nothing important. Laney informed me that she was hanging out with her sister and her friend, whose name I didn't catch. We'll call her Tiffany, only because her lack of personality and common sense fits the name. I could see her having one of those nets hanging in the top corner of her room full of stuffed animals and an Eminem poster she's had since 2003.
I asked Laney why she was calling to inform me of such tomfoolery, to which she said she would like for me and Patrick to join the party. She also informed me that her friend found Patrick attractive. I looked to Patrick and said "Hey dude, Laney's on the phone. She wants us to come over." He said "Laney who?" I replied "Trimble County." He made a face at me, so I said "Her friend thinks you're hot." Patrick's facial expression changed. "Is SHE hot?," he asked. I asked Laney and she assured me that was the case, so I nodded to Patrick. He dropped the red plastic guitar and picked up his keys. That was our cue. The shit was on.
This is about 50 miles too fast toward our death.
I informed Laney that we were on our way as we got into Patrick's car. This car, by no means, was an award winner for first in class, but it was ridiculously fast considering it was mostly factory parts. After scooping a few Lost energy drinks, we began the long haul up to Trimble County. By all accounts, Trimble County should have been about an hour and a half away, ballpark. But, with Patrick driving, time and space doesn't quite matter. This sadistic, crazy bastard floored it up to 120MPH all the way there, slowing slightly only when there was a turn to make. As much as I love the guy, being in a car with him made my cute little butthole so tight, I couldn't have released a squeaker if my life depended on it.
We have arrived.
Once we finally arrived at the house, we pulled into the driveway to see the three girls outside, smoking. I'm not a big fan of smokers, so I told Vanessa to swig some Listerine. Funny thing is, she actually did it. Meanwhile, Tiffany just stood there, awkwardly smiling at Patrick. After walking inside and noticing that there were about 20 kittens scurrying about, I went straight to the kitchen to set the drinks on the table. I hugged Laney, then looked to Patrick and Tiffany. Patrick introduced himself, to which Tiffany replied by also doing so. What happened in that precise moment would completely change the atmosphere of the night.
Now Tiffany had a good body. She wasn't chubby, she had a good rack, beautiful hair, a nice face, and a decent tan. None of that was in question here, as looking at Tiffany would present a nice image of her. However, when she spoke to Patrick and introduced herself, I was taken aback and literally said aloud "Oooaaghh." That's the best way to describe the noise that escaped my lips like an unchained dog through an open fence. This girl's teeth looked like a fucking massacre. It literally looked like someone took the top of a clawhammer and knocked her in the mouth about 6 times. Her teeth resembled something like a not-quite-full cup of pencils, all of which were different lengths. After shaking Patrick's hand, she turned away and Patrick shot me a "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?" look. I had to bite my lips together to keep from laughing myself into a fit, because his expression was legendary.
Laney asked if we wanted some frozen pizzas to which I replied "Look at me, of course." They grabbed out 4 frozen pizzas and shoved them in the oven, then left the room to join Vanessa to pick out a few CD's to listen to. As soon as they left the room, Patrick looked at me. "Did you see-" I cut him off. "Fuck yeah, I saw her fucking teeth! Holy SHIT!" Patrick exhaled with his mouth shut, shaking his head, and said "I hate you." I tried to hold back a smirk, which elevated into an epileptic giggle. The pizzas were cooking in the oven, but I'm pretty sure Patrick's peepee was frozen for the evening.
When I heard inebriated chatter coming from the back room, I looked at Patrick and said "Let's make the best of it." He said "Oh, yeah, right." We walked back to this bedroom, which was apparently Laney's, to see them sitting on a bed flipping through CD's. At some point, Vanessa joined us, so I started getting flirty with her while also evaluating what was in front of me. Once Laney looked up and saw me and Vanessa being flirty, she asked Vanessa to go browse her collection for other choices. After Vanessa left the room, Laney looked at me and said "Did you come over to hang out with me or my sister?" I said "Uaah... both?" She stared at me, attempting to make me feel guilty, but when a girl is fucking ugly, it doesn't work. Laney started acting upset so Tiffany tried to comfort her. Patrick, ever the opportunist, scooped a bra off the floor and started singing "happy birthday, Mr. President", to which everyone laughed. The mood had now changed. Thanks, Wingman!
Seeing Tiffany laugh made me cringe again. I couldn't hold myself back anymore, man. I have such a horrible lack of tact and it's legitimately impossible for me to not be a fucking asshole in a situation where I shouldn't. After making our way back into the kitchen and re-meeting with Vanessa, I said "Tiffany." She looked my way. Patrick made an "uh oh" noise under his throat, prompting me to say "What the fuck happened to your mouth?" Patrick then attempted to choke back laughter, letting a few spurts of air leave his lips. Tiffany looked at me and said "What are you talking about? My mouth is fine." What I said next even shocked me, as I can be a pretty classless person, but even this was a bit much. I looked her straight in the face and said "No, I'm afraid not. Your teeth make your mouth look like a garbage disposal."
To Tiffany's mindless credit, she laughed at what I said and started with "It's actually a funny story." I stopped her there: "There's no such thing as a funny story where you lose all of your fucking teeth." She shook her head and waved me off, then proceeded to tell me one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.
"So it was prom night, right? This was a month ago. I was hanging out at the lake with my friend and I tried to jump over a creek. Well, I didn't quite make it. Insteeeead (verbatim), I slipped on some mud and my face slammed into a rock. It broke my nose and knocked out 18 of my teeth."
When that story ended, I turned my head slower than Magenta ever dreamed of, looked Patrick in the face, and burst into the hardest fit of laughter of 2008. At that point, it prompted a round of laughter from everyone. Patrick laughed. Laney laughed. Vanessa laughed. I laughed. Tiffany... didn't laugh. I noticed this, but it didn't stop me. Tiffany stormed out of the room, and after drawing the pizzas out of the oven, Laney followed. At this point, Vanessa was standing directly to my left, petting a kitten. Patrick looked at me with a look of "what do I do?" I turned my eyes toward Vanessa, then darted them across the floor toward the hall. Patrick looked at me with a "fuck you!" look on his face, so I returned his look with a wide-eyed eyebrow raise, nodding just slightly toward Vanessa. He tucked his lips, closed his eyes, shook his head, then headed down to the hall.
Game time. Vanessa and I shared a look. I said "There's a lot of cats here," as clearly I know how to start a conversation with the expectation of it leading to sex. She responded "Yeah, this one's my favorite. Do you like cats?" I said "I don't hate 'em." She nudged the kitten in her hand at me. "Wanna pet this one?" I smirked slightly, looked her up and down, and motioned to the kitten in her hand. "Not THAT one." She smiled, a seriously GORGEOUS smile, then sat the kitten down, took my hand, and guided me toward her bedroom. Mentally, I was doing the "You're the fuckin' man." dance. Physically, I was turning the plaid on my shorts into parenthesis. (I had a boner.)
We have arrived.
Once we finally arrived at the house, we pulled into the driveway to see the three girls outside, smoking. I'm not a big fan of smokers, so I told Vanessa to swig some Listerine. Funny thing is, she actually did it. Meanwhile, Tiffany just stood there, awkwardly smiling at Patrick. After walking inside and noticing that there were about 20 kittens scurrying about, I went straight to the kitchen to set the drinks on the table. I hugged Laney, then looked to Patrick and Tiffany. Patrick introduced himself, to which Tiffany replied by also doing so. What happened in that precise moment would completely change the atmosphere of the night.
Now Tiffany had a good body. She wasn't chubby, she had a good rack, beautiful hair, a nice face, and a decent tan. None of that was in question here, as looking at Tiffany would present a nice image of her. However, when she spoke to Patrick and introduced herself, I was taken aback and literally said aloud "Oooaaghh." That's the best way to describe the noise that escaped my lips like an unchained dog through an open fence. This girl's teeth looked like a fucking massacre. It literally looked like someone took the top of a clawhammer and knocked her in the mouth about 6 times. Her teeth resembled something like a not-quite-full cup of pencils, all of which were different lengths. After shaking Patrick's hand, she turned away and Patrick shot me a "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?" look. I had to bite my lips together to keep from laughing myself into a fit, because his expression was legendary.
Laney asked if we wanted some frozen pizzas to which I replied "Look at me, of course." They grabbed out 4 frozen pizzas and shoved them in the oven, then left the room to join Vanessa to pick out a few CD's to listen to. As soon as they left the room, Patrick looked at me. "Did you see-" I cut him off. "Fuck yeah, I saw her fucking teeth! Holy SHIT!" Patrick exhaled with his mouth shut, shaking his head, and said "I hate you." I tried to hold back a smirk, which elevated into an epileptic giggle. The pizzas were cooking in the oven, but I'm pretty sure Patrick's peepee was frozen for the evening.
When I heard inebriated chatter coming from the back room, I looked at Patrick and said "Let's make the best of it." He said "Oh, yeah, right." We walked back to this bedroom, which was apparently Laney's, to see them sitting on a bed flipping through CD's. At some point, Vanessa joined us, so I started getting flirty with her while also evaluating what was in front of me. Once Laney looked up and saw me and Vanessa being flirty, she asked Vanessa to go browse her collection for other choices. After Vanessa left the room, Laney looked at me and said "Did you come over to hang out with me or my sister?" I said "Uaah... both?" She stared at me, attempting to make me feel guilty, but when a girl is fucking ugly, it doesn't work. Laney started acting upset so Tiffany tried to comfort her. Patrick, ever the opportunist, scooped a bra off the floor and started singing "happy birthday, Mr. President", to which everyone laughed. The mood had now changed. Thanks, Wingman!
Seeing Tiffany laugh made me cringe again. I couldn't hold myself back anymore, man. I have such a horrible lack of tact and it's legitimately impossible for me to not be a fucking asshole in a situation where I shouldn't. After making our way back into the kitchen and re-meeting with Vanessa, I said "Tiffany." She looked my way. Patrick made an "uh oh" noise under his throat, prompting me to say "What the fuck happened to your mouth?" Patrick then attempted to choke back laughter, letting a few spurts of air leave his lips. Tiffany looked at me and said "What are you talking about? My mouth is fine." What I said next even shocked me, as I can be a pretty classless person, but even this was a bit much. I looked her straight in the face and said "No, I'm afraid not. Your teeth make your mouth look like a garbage disposal."
To Tiffany's mindless credit, she laughed at what I said and started with "It's actually a funny story." I stopped her there: "There's no such thing as a funny story where you lose all of your fucking teeth." She shook her head and waved me off, then proceeded to tell me one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.
"So it was prom night, right? This was a month ago. I was hanging out at the lake with my friend and I tried to jump over a creek. Well, I didn't quite make it. Insteeeead (verbatim), I slipped on some mud and my face slammed into a rock. It broke my nose and knocked out 18 of my teeth."
When that story ended, I turned my head slower than Magenta ever dreamed of, looked Patrick in the face, and burst into the hardest fit of laughter of 2008. At that point, it prompted a round of laughter from everyone. Patrick laughed. Laney laughed. Vanessa laughed. I laughed. Tiffany... didn't laugh. I noticed this, but it didn't stop me. Tiffany stormed out of the room, and after drawing the pizzas out of the oven, Laney followed. At this point, Vanessa was standing directly to my left, petting a kitten. Patrick looked at me with a look of "what do I do?" I turned my eyes toward Vanessa, then darted them across the floor toward the hall. Patrick looked at me with a "fuck you!" look on his face, so I returned his look with a wide-eyed eyebrow raise, nodding just slightly toward Vanessa. He tucked his lips, closed his eyes, shook his head, then headed down to the hall.
Game time. Vanessa and I shared a look. I said "There's a lot of cats here," as clearly I know how to start a conversation with the expectation of it leading to sex. She responded "Yeah, this one's my favorite. Do you like cats?" I said "I don't hate 'em." She nudged the kitten in her hand at me. "Wanna pet this one?" I smirked slightly, looked her up and down, and motioned to the kitten in her hand. "Not THAT one." She smiled, a seriously GORGEOUS smile, then sat the kitten down, took my hand, and guided me toward her bedroom. Mentally, I was doing the "You're the fuckin' man." dance. Physically, I was turning the plaid on my shorts into parenthesis. (I had a boner.)
We are not friends. But this is cute.
Things went well in the bedroom for Vanessa and I. She kept giggling at what she was doing, not because she wasn't used to having sex, but because she was cheating on her boyfriend. I always laugh when I think about how she was like "I hope he doesn't find out!". I'm like "bitch, he won't, not unless your dumb ass tells him." Vanessa was good in every aspect in the bedroom, while still managing to keep as quiet as possible so not to give away our current activity. Of course, this didn't work the entire time, but for the first time in his life, Patrick was being a very good wingman, keeping Tiffany and Laney occupied while I banged out Laney's more attractive sister.
Outside the door, I could hear footsteps against the hardwood floor. Vanessa tried to keep even more quiet, thinking it was her sister. I, being the disgustingly vile asshole that I am, started giving her the hardest balls-deep thrusts I could, causing her to cover her mouth with her hand and wail in response. I was giggling but also enjoying myself. I can't even begin to imagine how it must have looked and sounded. I heard Tiffany's stupid mindless voice outside the door, slightly muffled. Among the random vowels and syllables, I could make out Tiffany's voice saying "I'll suck your dick." As soon as those words left her mouth, I stopped moving and Vanessa looked at me, both of us clearly having heard what was just said. As soon as those words were uttered, I could hear Patrick's muffled voice, right outside the door, yell "HEYULL NO! HEEEELLL NO!" Followed immediately by frantic footsteps and Lanie's door slamming. This caused Vanessa and I to laugh, only now we were both trying to cover our mouths. Meanwhile, I'm still inside her. It was awkward.
20 minutes passed before Vanessa and I were done doing the damn thing. I left her bedroom while she was still pulling her underwear up, with the most sleazy look on my face that I could muster. The door slammed behind me as I stepped into the living room, attempting to dodge cats with every step. I crossed the couch barrier to see Patrick, sitting on the bigger couch, staring blankly at the wall. For some fucking reason, The Secret Of N.I.M.H. was on, yet Patrick was staring directly at the blinds. I don't know what had him so upset, but he refused to look at me. Whoops! I plopped down on the loveseat, leaning back and letting out a manly sigh and smirking over at Patrick. Looking back, I don't which is worse. The fact that The Secret Of N.I.M.H. was on, or the fact that I know that it was The Secret Of N.I.M.H. Actually, now that I think about it, it's pretty baller that I knew that it was The Secret Of N.I.M.H. and that I had just gotten laid. The irony fairy is quaking in her high heels.
After Vanessa's door slammed, Tiffany walked into the kitchen to get some pizza. Patrick glanced back to see her, looked to me and said "Can we go now? Please?" Vanessa stepped into the room, now fully-clothed, and sat next to me, leaning against me and taking a deep breath. She looked at me and said "Stay with me until I get tired?" I looked to Patrick and said "Give me a minute." He resumed his position, arms folded, staring at the blinds. Tiffany walked back into the room with two slices of now-cold pizza. I know this sounds mean and trust me, it is, but I was completely enthralled with how on Earth this fucking girl was going to ingest pizza considering her teeth looked like a Goddamn chainsaw.
Miraculously enough, she managed. We watched about 14 seconds of the movie before Vanessa and I started kissing again. I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that The Secret Of N.I.M.H. had a sexual reaction on Vanessa and myself. I heard Tiffany's plate hit the table, then heard her shift across the couch toward Patrick. This made me smirk a little mid-kiss with Vanessa, 'cause I know he was fucking miserable. I glanced over when Vanessa kissed my neck, to see Tiffany pretty much hanging on Patrick, meanwhile Patrick has the most bemused look on his face that I have ever seen. It was harder not to laugh in that moment then it ever has been in my entire life. It got even worse when she turned her head toward his and he simply widened his eyes and looked away. Classic.
Things were good for Jason Saint. I had a hot girl hanging on me, kissing me, I just got laid, and once she got tired and went to bed, I planned on eating every bit of her pizza and possibly kidnapping one of her kittens to give to my niece. This, sadly, got shot to hell. I heard the door creak from down the hall. That sound usually garners a pretty faint reaction, but instead of it being a terrifying ghost or some kind of hockey masked killer, it was the violent rage of an overlooked, undersexed, overweight, unattractive sister who simply stopped in the doorway. I turned slowly to see her standing there, then went back to kissing Vanessa. I don't believe Patrick or Tiffany budged, but I could be wrong. I didn't look at them. Tiffany's deforestation-like teeth would have killed my mood. I tried to find a way to use the phrase "stump forest" in there but that's the best I came up with. Now I've officially used the phrase "stump forest", and it's about her teeth. You're welcome.
The she-beast stomped away (or maybe walked, it'd probably sound the same) and slammed her door. I heard Patrick let out a little giggle, followed by the loud booming voice of the kracken herself.
"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF."
With that, Tiffany and Vanessa lept to their feet, dashing down the hallway to reply to her desperately obvious cry for attention. I glanced over to Patrick, wiping spit from my lips, to see him glaring at me. He pointed at my shoes, then to the door. I nodded, yanked my shoes on, stole as much pizza as I could grab with two hands, and we were out the door. I think I even accidentally knocked a cat over on the way. I dunno. Probably.
It was 5:46 AM when we left, so the sun was out and I was laughing hysterically. Patrick kept raving about how stupid the whole situation was, to which I just responded "I don't care. I got laid." He wasn't as satisfied with the situation as I was. As the drive continued, I got the following texts:
Vanessa: Hey man, sorry I couldn't say goodbye. I had a REAL nice time. Let's do it again! ;)
(10 minutes later) Tiffany: Hey it was good meeting you! Ur friend is cute but he's a ASSHOE.
Laney: FUCK YOU!
Needless to say, we haven't been back to Trimble County.
- JFS
Sunday, January 15, 2012
2011: The Rundown
2011 was a fantastic year. I see a lot of people saying that "2011 fuckin' sucked", but for me, it was everything you could possibly want out of a full year. It had victories, tragedies, memories, and times best forgotten. Through all of it, I felt absolutely no regrets whatsoever as this was truly the year that I followed my heart and made the best of whatever came my way. With that being said, here it is:
2011: The Rundown
MVPs
Derek Sturgeon
Derek has been my best friend for years. I've known this guy since 1997, and every moment spent with the man has been extremely memorable for a number of reasons. Not only is he one of the funniest people I know, but the amount of heart that Derek possesses is unmatched. If you're a part of his life, he will do absolutely anything for you and make you feel at home. He's been an amazing friend this year, and we've had some great times.
We accomplished a dream together, in having the premiere for The Last Summer. We started writing a horror movie together with the film Run For Your Life, and have already got plans for the sequel to The Last Summer (stay tuned!). The Halloween/Birthday party was one of the best nights of my entire life, as it literally was the single biggest party I've ever been to. We've shared several laughs, whether he was coming to my comedy show or we just got together to hang out and watch horrible movies while making fun of each other and our other friends.
2011 only furthered this great friendship that I have with Derek, as he's been an integral part of my happiness and development as a person. With each daunting task and irritating situation, Derek has been able to handle himself like a champion and push through each situation while simultaneously showing the world why he's the "best eva!" Derek's been there for me through some of my roughest patches in life, and he's the single greatest human being I've ever known in my entire life. Without him, I would be a completely different person. He's my best friend, and I love the shit out of him.
Jason Crowe and Roni Jonah
At the beginning of the year, I was slated to be a member of the "The Zombie Movie" cast, merely as a zombie extra. After doing one appearance, plans were changed and I now became a member of the cast as the gay hairstylist "Fen!x", a character I co-created. Being on the set with Roni and Jason
has taught me a brand new professionalism when it comes to my career of choice. They take to their creations with an iron fist, making each cast member bring their best face forward and show what they're made of. It's extremely inspiring.
Besides working together, we've also had a tremendous time being friends. Whether it was Roni's birthday party, which had more near-nudity than expected, a 6-hour long game of "Ernest situations" and the celebrity name game, or staying in a hotel together and quacking the night away, we've kept each other laughing and hashtagging through every moment together.
The future holds a lot of experiences with both Jason and Roni, as we're slated to work together several times in the future on upcoming films. It's something I'm very excited about, as they're both consummate professionals as well as outstanding people.
Kris Bright
This one's going to be a rough one. Although 2012 began on a very sour note between Kris and I, we had an extremely memorable year together. On Valentine's Day, we spent the night in a hotel room together, simply enjoying each other's company and laughing together. We traveled to Atlanta for WrestleMania 27, my gift to her for her birthday, and had, at least in the 10% of the worst seats possible, but still managed to have a blast. We spent every moment together that we could, including concerts, comedy shows, road trips, vacationing, and just falling asleep together. She was indeed the kind of girlfriend that a guy would dream of.
When it came time for the movie to come out, Kris was very beneficial to helping make the premiere a success. She helped me purchase the DVD's for the film as well as the poster that hangs in my home to this day. The photo on the cover and the poster is taken by Kris, only slightly modified by Patrick Goodman. She was there through a lot of rough days of taping, where I was frustrated, as well as frustrating. Without her patience and willingness to listen to me vent, the film would not have been as successful as it was. It's something I remain extremely thankful for.
Despite the fact that Kris and I have split, I can't deny that she was a big part of my life for a very long time. Yes, I'm very upset and angry about how things ended between us, but without her encouragement and acceptance for as long as she was in my life, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. There will definitely be moments in the future where she's on my mind, as she was the single greatest girl I ever loved.
Closer Awards
Adrienne Gallusser
I first met Adrienne in 2010 at an impromptu game of Hide and Seek at the P&V House Of Holes. We got along fine there, but it was 2011 that our personalities came together in frequent late night conversations. We're able to insult each other's tastes in things without getting malicious, and she doesn't mind my foul-mouthed attitude- in fact, she encourages it! Adrienne is one of the most beautiful girls I know, and I'm proud to call her one of the best friends I've got on this planet.
Amber Bogard
Amber is what is frequently referred to as a "super fan". She supports every professional wrestler, regardless of what they're doing, and takes frequent photos at all of the shows, posting them online for all the guys and girls of OVW and ROH to see and enjoy. While Amber is a fan of OVW, she's also an extremely sweet girl with a heart of gold. She and I have shared a lot of laughs together, creating a bond that isn't going to end any time soon.
Josh Ashcraft
In the past, Josh and I were co-Heelers at the OVW shows, chanting against the good guys and rabidly supporting the bad guys. We would bump into each other occasionally, as well as hang out now and again. In February, we started work at OVW together as part of the promotional and event staff. It was something that brought us together and guaranteed that we'd be seeing a lot of each other. Though sometimes irritating to one another, we've become very close and share several laughs about the most ridiculous issues. Whether it's a trip to Heaven or a rude awakening with an air horn, it's never a dull moment around Ashcraft as he's one of the single coolest fucking guys I know. It's because of people like him that I love my life as much as I do.
Mike Mondo
I first met Mike in 2003 when he started as a developmental superstar for the WWE. I was a fan from the get-go, supporting him through every twist and turn of his professional wrestling career. After spending time at OVW together, we developed a friendship that has turned into a brotherhood. We're never ones to be asleep at reasonable hours, prompting several laughable and/or meaningful conversations. While going through different situations, Mike has been there as a helping hand and a voice of reason to guide me through. I've returned the favor when at all possible, because Mike is easily one of the greatest people I've ever known. He has a heart of gold, and is, without a doubt, the most talented and dedicated professional athlete that I know.
Peggy Campbell
6 years ago, I was mere acquaintances with these lovely lady who was dating a friend of mine. We spoke from time to time, but never really became close until we bumped into one another at an OVW event and started a new. Peggy has the kind of laugh that you fight to make happen, because you love to see her smile and hear her enjoying life. When she's around, I always catch myself spewing out the most ridiculous lines imaginable, acceptable only because her sense of humor is so great. A trait not easily found in most females. She's a great friend, even though she hasn't seen any of my films, and I absolutely love the shit out of her.
Rae Portman
In the past, Rae and I have had something of a toxic relationship. While easily contained, it would sometimes spill and create chaos. However, after working together at Waverly in 2010, Rae and I got much closer as friends. I began to understand the anomaly that she is. She's a beautiful girl with just as many issues as others, only with a much higher deck stacked against her. Despite this, she's managed to be a sweet person, and even more importantly, a caring mother. While things get frustrating for her, she still manages to share a smile and make sure that her friends are okay. Trust me, she's done this several times with me. Even though I've been known to dig a little deep with her, she's one of my most trusted friends, and someone I love very dearly.
Rey Wooldridge
Years ago, I would see Rey around the Davis Arena. He was an interesting enough-looking fellow, with a very large mohawk who had a very unique style of clothing. It wasn't until years later that we would actually converse with one another and I realized that he's a funny guy with a good heart, who loves wrestling. We've had several conversations, ones where we've placed a lot of trust within each other. Rey's been a great friend, always happy to see me and always honest with me. It's a trait that has made him a large part of my life.
New Friends
Adam Borders
In the midst of OVW's vocal crowd, Adam got a kick out of my antics. We began speaking at the shows and online, realizing that we shared the same sense of humor. It's always a blast to joke around with him about the shows, and other things in general.
Chelsea Smith
A part of OVW's younger demographic, Cheslea made herself apparent to me while I was working the merch booth alongside Ashcraft for the brief moment that I did. Once we got to speaking, I learned that she was a sweet lady who loved to laugh, and my sense of humor was perfect for that.
Jason Wayne
The first time we spoke, Jason complimented me on my snowflake. Weeks later, I labeled him the "puberty pusher" due to an incident in London, Kentucky, and the rest is history. We literally do nothing but make dick and fart jokes, and if we're not doing that, we're talking about wrestling. He takes his career very seriously, and I'm very proud to see how far he's come. That, and he loves olives.
Jimmy Long
When I first started out at OVW, I got a lot of weird vibes from people. None more so than Jimmy Long himself. However, after further look into the man himself, I now realize that he's actually instilling a lot of faith in me as a person and as a part of the company. His personality is difficult to get used to until you really get to know him, then you realize: he's impossible to not love.
Kaila Marie
The Summer 2011 Nick Dinsmore class was full of a very odd array of characters. Kaila was the one who caught my attention the quickest. Her smile absolutely radiates the second it catches your eye, and you know you have to be friends with her. Upon chatting her up, I realized that there's not a single shred of negativitywithin her, and that she's one of the most genuine people I've ever known. I'm very proud to call myself a friend of hers, as sooner rather than later, she's going to be a big deal. #Platinum
Katie Lawhorn
One of the most bizarre ways I've met someone would have to be the way that Katie and I became part of one another's lives. It was brought to her attention by her now-ex that I was apparently flirting with the ex. The only problems with that are that I was with Kris, and her girlfriend, was gay. Months later, I would bump into Katie during a taping of "The Zombie Movie", and we instantly hit it off once we became FB friends afterward. She's now one of the most important people in my life, as we have a very strong mutual love for one another. She's my HFL, and I adore her to death.
Lizzie Boudaher
Out of all of the Tumblr folk I've come across this year, the only one who particularly strikes my fancy is a young lady named Lizzie from Australia. I messaged Lizzie on Tumblr after seeing that she was following me, when I saw that her profile had a reference to my favorite band, The Bouncing Souls. Shortly after, I realized that we had a lot in common and we struck up a friendship and become very close, despite being physically distant. The bond between us prevails all geographical distances. She's one of the people I'm most fond of, and I adore her.
Mike Hayes
Very few, and I mean VERY few people in my life have genuinely inspired me to be something I've never deemed possible. Mike, however, has had that effect on me, as well as anyone he's ever come in contact with. His sense of humor and general taste in comics is what got us off on the right foot, but the fact that he has persisted on to be a professional wrestler despite being one limb short is very inspiring. The amount of will and heart that he shows has proven that, despite anything, the impossible does not exist. That, and he's actually really funny.
Mike Nusser
Everyone has that one friend that you can't quite put a finger on what it is about them that you think is so rad. With Mike, there's seriously no telling. His work as an artist is incredible, but his willingness to laugh and cut up on the set is what makes being around him so much fun. It's rare that I meet someone I can make the same jokes with and laugh together, but Nusser is one of those people.
Randy Terrez
When I first met Randy, I was intimidated. Obviously, his ring presence depicts him as being a total hard-ass, when in reality, he and I aren't too far from mirrored. We have pretty much the same taste in movies, and our knack for adventure (that should have gotten us killed at Sleepy Hollow) has made for an adventure or two.
Ricky Cotton
I actually met Ricky a few years ago, but we never really spoke much until he became a part of the OVW crew. Despite our obvious musical differences, Ricky has appealed to me as one of the raddest guys I've met. The fact that he's loyal to his friends makes him a very imporant part of my life, as it's people like that, that you don't want to leave behind. Ricky and I are able to laugh at anything, from the OVW fans to each other, to ourselves. His appreciation of professional wrestling is only one of the many things that makes him an awesome dude, and I can see us being friends for a very long time.
Shane Abell
I honestly can't pinpoint the exact moment where Shane and I became friends, or spoke for the first time. Whether it was at one of the afterparties or a day on the set, it doesn't matter. Shane and I have a few similarities in our lives, but the fact that he's the character that he is, is what makes him stand out. His daughter is absolutely adorable, and the love that he has for her is only part of his charm. Shane is a very kind-hearted person, despite his lamentable past, and it's honestly helped me in dealing with a few of my own issues. Having Shane around has been a true joy, and I look forward to more of that in the future.
MIA of the Year
Paul Kupper
Paul and I developed a strong bond through the end of 2008 and most of 2009/2010. However this past year, I feel like I only saw him about 5 times or so. This should change in 2012!
Jake Griffith and Scotty Peebles
Jake and Scotty are two of my favorite people on this planet. The beginning of the year had plenty of hang outs, but around March or so, that dropped away and we barely speak anymore. Still doesn't change the fact that I love them both to death.
Brandon Ingram
This one's a rough one. In the past, Brandon has been one of my best friends, but in the last year or two, it hasn't been the way that it used to. I still consider Brandon one of my best friends, but our hangout time has been limited lately due to life in general. It sucks.
Tumblr Buddies
Kman (kman3115)
Bouncing Souls fan. Pop-punker. Wrestling fan. What's not to like!?
Jessica Herrera (jessiremembershalloween)
A fellow True Believer with an awesome smile, and a filthy mouth.
Liz Roby (xlizrobyx)
Fellow straight-edge kid with a great smile.
hashtag-demboys (Chesca)
An Italian Sisco with amazing talent.
RamirezDahmerBundy (Emily)
A fellow serial-killer fan, who isn't hard on the eyes.
Best Moments of 2011
Meeting Roddy Piper
I drove up to Indianapolis with friends to the Days Of The Dead convention, specifically just to meet Roddy. He did not disappoint. He put his arm around me and we shared 10 minutes' worth of stories, culminating in a photo together and with him giving me an autographed photo. The following day, I took a friend over to meet him and Roddy looked to me, said "I remember this guy! I love you, man!", hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek. Roddy's awesome. Always has been, always will be.
Going to WrestleMania
A trip from Louisville to Atlanta was immenent at the end of March for WrestleMania 27. The show was a blast, as ways the weekend's festivities, including a Mania party, a live edition of Colt Cabana's $5 Wrestling, and Fan Axxess.
Watching NOFX onstage with Bryan Kienlen
After leaving the front row of seeing NOFX, Bryan of The Bouncing Souls (who played before NOFX) came out to grab me and pull me up on the back of the stage to watch the rest of the set. We had a conversation about kids and heroes, and just enjoyed the rest of the show. I consider Bryan one of my good friends, which is an incredible statement for me, considering he's part of my favorite band.
The Last Summer premiere
After several months of shooting, editing, and preparing, the premiere was ready to go down. The Last Summer had the biggest premiere in Louisville, Kentucky of 2011. Most of the cast was out, as well as hundreds of people, only some of whom I actually knew. The amount of compliments I received from the patrons and the reviews I've gotten have truly humbled me. I've never been more proud of anything in my entire life.
The Halloween/Birthday Party
Derek and I are the only people on Earth who can throw a house party like we do, and this one was no different. I dressed as Roddy Piper and had over 130 people in and out of the party through an 8 hour period. It was one of the funnest nights of my life, and I was happy to have so many of my friends come out.
Taking my niece to meet The Bouncing Souls
Micah has been a fan of the band since she came to live with me and I exposed her to all the music I love. When I told her I was seeing the Souls at Krazy Fest, she begged me to take her with me... so I did! She stood up front for the show, singing along and snapping pictures with her phone. After the show, I took her to meet the band and she shared a "secret handshake" with the drummer, Michael. She hasn't stopped raving about it since.
Convincing Scotty to get a nipple tattoo
This is legendary. Scotty is one of my best friends, so when he and Jake wanted to stop by Ink and Dagger Tattoo, I decided to join them. In a separate room, Jake's tattoo artist drew a small dot with a marker, and we left the room to convince Scotty that it was a tattoo, and he should get one, too. Scotty did it, and it has gone down as one of the funniest videos I've ever captured in my life. (Video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwvMoa7N_9M)
The List
A short conversation with my friend Bryan led to me becoming a part of the weekly Comedy Caravan variety show, The List. Since beginning, I've dished out some of my best stuff, and completely revitalized myself as a creative genius.
And, there you have it. 2011 was an awesome year for me, with great memories and amazing friends. Some new, some old, but all of whom I will never forget. It's because of my friends and the experiences of my life that I'm able to define why I continue to allow myself to have a pulse. You've all made me a very happy person, proud of my achievements and ready to succeed more in the future. Here's to making 2012 legendary, together.
- JFS
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Wrestling fans are something else.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
A little backstory: Rudy Switchblade was an OVW fan favorite before he became a bad guy. He went from being cheered by everyone, to being boo'ed by everyone. Randy Terrez has done the exact opposite, getting cheers for most of 2011.
Rudy cheated to beat Randy to retain the OVW Heavyweight Championship by hitting Randy with a chair, then getting the 1-2-3. After the match, he celebrated in the ring. A girl at ringside, about 12 years old, stood up and started SCREAMING "NO RUDY! NO! NOT LIKE THAT! NO! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!"
When Rudy ignored her and continued to celebrate, the girl stood and picked up her YooHoo can. Me and my friend Peggy noticed this and I got giddy as a fucking 12-year old. "Throw the can. Please, God, throw the can." Sure enough, the little girl cocked back and threw that fucking can as hard as she could. It landed in the middle of the ring about a foot away from Rudy.
Afterward, the girl's mom turned to scold her child. The little girl started to argue, and the mom explained that it wasn't okay to do that. The little girl then shoved her mom back down into the chair, and started PUNCHING HER, MULTIPLE TIMES, IN THE FACE. When the girl's foster brother went to get between the two, she then started hitting HIM MULTIPLE TIMES, IN THE FACE. The entire crowd had diverted its attention away from Rudy to watch this epic encounter go down. The girl's mom stood with her brother and they left the girl there with someone else's mom, who was trying to console the girl, who was now crying.
Meanwhile, me and my friend Peggy were laughing hysterically. Only in pro wrestling, kids. Only in pro fucking wrestling.
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